Winging It

 

As otherkin individuals believe themselves to not be completely human, almost but not quite. There is a wide variety of otherkin types, trust me it’s a long list. Kin types vary from animal, mythology, fantasy and even religious. Each individual has come to their own type through their own personal journey and has come to the conclusion as to ‘what’ they feel themselves to be. You cant be told or forced or coerced – it’s who/what you are.

Now by this point you are looking at the title and thinking ok… wings ?

Yeah, like I pointed out, there are many types of otherkin, some even polykin (more than one – talk about multiple personalities) out there, and yes a lot of them have phantom limbs. As a individual identifies with a specific otherkin type, so each have certain attributes of that species are vested onto the individual in a spiritual/astral level. From tails to claws, snouts to fangs. What we going to be focusing on in this article is wings.

Now we aren’t talking the hot wing variety that you get at your local Hooters nor are we talking about physical feathery wings. As a otherkin most of what we experience is on a spiritual/astral level, so too are our wings. Considered as phantom limbs, we at times ‘feel’ them but cannot see or physically touch them, doesn’t make them any less real to us.

The wings can come in all shapes and sizes. From angelic bird type wings, bat like wings, dinosaur wings (feather and fur) and even insect-like wings. Same even have more than one set of them. Their position also varies from person to person with the most indicating that they can be felt on the shoulder blades, although some say their arms feel like wings, or that the wings sit lower down on the back.

There are also different ways the wings can manifest – as a essential part of your specific otherkin type, as a energy construct manifested by the creator or as a cameo shift and or experiences of a shamanic type in ritual or dream walking. Although it more commonly linked to the specific otherkin type.

As most otherkin with wings are aware of them and are very self conscience of their wings, although they cannot be perceived by mundane individuals, the wings do pose a problem at times.

Here is a exercise to get to know your wings.

The basis of this exercise is meditation and concentration.
Some basic understanding of your flow of energy will help, but the exercise might help you become more aware of it. Be mindful that enough concentration can create a phantom limb even if you don’t come with one. This will end up being a construct and not your actual limb so be aware of what you are hoping to achieve. The mind is a powerful thing.

Firstly we work on the limb itself, as a separate part of your body. Just start with something simple. From whichever standpoint feels comfortable to you (meditation/concentration/energy) just concentrate on the limb itself. Feel it, how it’s shaped, the weight and such. (Don’t touch, just feel at this point.)

Once you are comfortable with this, move the limb. Feel how it moves, every joint and muscle and how the skin on top (if you have these biological components as part of your make up) is moving and pulling by the movements. Study these sensations and just play around for a while, become comfortable with every little feel of the limb.

The next thing is to link the physical and the limb. This is for the sake of physical comfort as well as for the sake of future interaction with the limb. Again, move the limb but this time let your physical body react naturally to the motions. While we don’t have the muscles of the wing joint the physical muscles we do have that would surround it would be affected by the motions a little bit. This step is to allow this motion. Line up your body with the phantom limbs to create and align “connecting points” (the phenomenon sometimes referred to as wing-spots) in the places where the limb would be protruding from your physical body if they were a part of it. Open your wings and spread them wide, let them hang out, without restriction

When you feel like your physical and metaphysical body are set in their places, reach out and touch the connecting point(s) if you can reach them and feel the limb with your hand. See how far you can move your hand from the actual physical connection point and still feel the limb with it. And also how long you feel the hand with the limb.

This takes practice and some degree of concentration although you will get the hang of it over time. The more you get used to your wings and interact with them the more they will feel like a natural part of your body. The self-consciousness and awkwardness will dissipate over time. Also the more comfortable you become with your wings, the more likely you are to be relaxed with them and it should help with that nagging shoulder and upper back pain we get from trying to hide them from ourselves and the world.

A short exercise for the sake of phantom-limb interaction between two people.

You’ll need a partner for this exercise. Someone who is as comfortable with his/her phantom limbs as you are with yours and knows what phantom limbs you have. It helps if this is also a person you trust and knows “something” about energy work.

Concentrate on a specific phantom limb and become fully aware of it. Then have your partner touch the connecting point gently, preferably just with fingertips. Concentrate on the feel of the person’s fingers and hand and flex the limb. See if they feel the change in energy or quite simply the limb itself. The sensations to have a limb touched by another person (a limb that you may not have physically possessed in a very long time) can be great/strange/nice.

Heightened emotions can affect the ability to be felt, not always to a reduced effect. Know thyself. Take the time and just zen to figure out what it is you are and the rest will begin to fall into place.

Okay, so I hope that has helped a few winged kin out there who have tried winging it.

D.Kay

Hybrid Dilemma

 

Say the word “hybrid” in the Vampyre Community, and automatically the VC thinks of this as referring to how you feed, employing both psi and sang methods. This already causes speculation and makes waves. Now add a dash of therian to the mix, and step back to watch the fireworks.

However, the hybrid I am referring to is the combination of a vampyric soul with that of another, such as angel, shadow, demon, fae, elf and yes even Therian. Now bring that topic up in the VC and most otherkin communities, and you are shunned, ridiculed and labeled a role-player – all that for being true to your nature.

‘Choose one and stick to it’ – Well how can you choose one, if in your core you are both or even more.

I have spoken to many international and local VC members who hide their ‘other’ side for fear of not being accepted by their Vampyric kin. So they hide this, the struggle within with no help or assistance from their kin. If being a Vampyre is a strain on ones mental, physical and emotional state, imagine two or more, and being alone with no one to turn to.

Isn’t the whole point of the VC to promote tolerance and learn, grow and educate. Yet they not only deny the possibility but also dismiss any and all Hybrids as “watching too many movies”. Well isn’t it curious that this is the same way the rest of the world looks at real Vampyres?

In my opinion, this is hypcrisy.

The South African Vampyres Alliance has generally accepted the off side possibility that Hybrids may exist, but does not label the members who are hybrids as role-players. Instead, we try to reach a better understanding of the dynamics of the concept together with those who so self identify.

I find it strange that the only Otherkin community that does not scoff at the idea of hybrids within their ranks, are the Angelkin – and from what I have seen, this is also one of the more shunned communities within the VC,

An extract from one of many Angelkin Forums:

‘More than just an ‘Angel’

Not all Angelkin are Angels, Angels can visit other spiritual realms for which they have a liking and mate with whomever they choose (yes, sex is a fairly common theme with all life, especially spiritual life) common cross breeds a dragon-angels, elf-angels and shadow-angels etc. ‘

Therefore, I would like to say that we are here, we are among you, and you can keep your eyes closed to us – or you can embrace us.

I am a participating member of the VC; I am a Magister within the SAVA. I am wolf, I am Vampyre, and I am a little something extra for added spice. I am what I am, who I am. If I do not fit into the box of what you think a Vampyire should be, then well all I can say … It doesn’t matter what you think.

This is addressed to the other Vampyric hybrids: I ask that you no longer be afraid to accept what you are, stand up, and let your voices be heard.

Hybrids of the World unite!

D.Kay

The AngelKin-Vampyre Connection

 

Please note that this is a personal theory of mine, formulated from observations I have made – but being somewhat of a logical mind, I could not help but see the connection between Vampyres and Angelkin.

To explain my theory to its fullest we must first look as the overall definition of what Angelkin are.

Generally speaking, Angelkin are those who self-identify as celestial beings incarnated into human bodies and sent on a specific purpose or mission on earth. They hold the connection to what they call the ‘Source’.

Being of the light they are generally assumed to be good and pure. (Some spiritualities and religions define “light” and “dark” as synonyms for “good” and “evil”, but others do not teach that light or dark have any deeper meaning other than that of being opposites, or that one defines the lack of the other.)

They manifest an intense longing to be part of the ‘Source’, since that is where they spend their existence. They still are linked to the ‘Source’ as a point of energy and strength on their mission. They posses several skills including manipulation of energy as well as empathy. Claims have been made which relate to “phantom limbs”, which they feel, represent wings. In addition, they are compelled to go out of their way help and aid those in need. They claim to feel that they are being controlled or guided, with no real free will of their own.

Therefore, in summary the characteristics of Angelkin would be:

1. Connection to the ‘Source’ as a constant source of energy and strength
2. Compelled to be in the light;
3. Higher purpose or mission;
4. Feeling of loneliness and isolation as they long to be complete as part of the ‘Source’;
5. Energy workers and empathy;
6. Compelled to help other in need;
7. Phantom limbs (wings);
8. Feeling of no real free will, guided;

So taking the above into account, and looking through ancient texts of angel representation and angels who choose to ‘fall from grace’, technically there would be several things which would remain the same and several that would be opposite when one looks at the theoretical concept of “fallen angels”, which come feel describes the origins of the Vampyre.

Listed traits of a “fallen” Angelkin:

1. Severed connection to the ‘Source’, thus no constant source of energy and strength, thus a draining of one’s life force.
2. Compelled to be in the darkness, as back was turned away from the light during fall;
3. No real higher purpose or mission, as the fall was by ones own omission rather than having being sent;
4. Feeling of loneliness and isolation as they long to be complete as part of the ‘Source’, which would still be there even if one willing severed the link;
5. Energy workers and empathic skills;
6. Compelled to help other in need, being of their nature;
7. “Phantom limbs” possibly, but also seeing as they are fallen might not be there;
8. Feeling of real free will but no real direction;

Now, if you look at these points, I found something very interesting. The number of similarities shared between the ‘fallen’ characteristics and that of a Vampyre.

If you look at them individually:

1. Severed connection to the ‘Source’, thus no constant source of energy and strength, thus a draining of ones life force – thus the need for Vampyres to gain energy from outside sources via feeding on blood, psi and other methods in order for them to sustain their energy bodies.

2. Compelled to be in the darkness, as back was turned away from the light during fall – majority of Vampyres show an above-average sensitivity to sunlight or UV;

3. No real higher purpose or mission, as the fall was by ones own omission rather than having being “sent” – this is not restricted to “fallen” Angelkin, but I have discussed this with several Vampyres who feel the same;

4. Feeling of loneliness and isolation as they long to be complete as part of the ‘Source’, which would still be there even if one willingly severed the link – feelings of not belonging, alienation, isolation, mood swings, and depression are all commonly recognized traits of Vampyres;

5. Energy workers and empathy – most Vampyres, especially Psi and omnivorous types are skilled energy workers, who are empathic or at the very least show an increased sensitivity to energy around them;

6. Compelled to help other in need, being of their nature – looking at the broad spectrum of the OVC, one notices individuals participating in charities, community activities, counseling, activism, animal welfare etc. Generally Vampyres would appear to experience a compulsion to help others in need;

7. “Phantom limbs” – taking into consideration the traditional view that when an angel falls, they ‘lose’ their wings, this might explain the lack of a similar manifestation among those who identify as “fallen” angelkin and also Vampyres;

8. Feeling of real free will but no real direction – generally the perception one gets from individual Vampyres in the VC, who are fiercely individualistic, but also often contradictory and adversarial;

So, looking at the obvious similarities between what can be seen between Vampyres and “fallen” Angelkin, I ask: is it that far a leap to believe that maybe Vampyres are not as much monsters as perceived by the majority of the population – but celestial beings who choose to be free from the control and manipulation of a ‘Source’ – and by severing the link and breaking the leash, claiming freedom? Although, with all freedoms there is an ultimate price to be paid. Our price is the constant thirst and hunger to sustain ourselves, our isolation, the darkness, and a longing to be whole.

This is my personal theory, a theory which espouses the idea that maybe we are indeed the bloodthirsty creatures of darkness that religious tradition and also traditional fiction portray us to be. That we are paying a price for our choice to be free and individualistic rather than be controlled and in servitude.

In the dark, we find our true selves.

Samael Anathan.

* The Source is often discussed by most Christian/Judeo-aligned otherkin, it is a recognized Source of Universal Love and Light. This is the thing most Humans recognize as “God” or a “God” figure, as the key to their own unconditional love and warmth for the Source and others.

Note: Theological matters, To say that “God” is merely a spiritual entity/source would offend many people, more existential people would count “God” as an unknowable being beyond this Universe, others even that this universe is but “God” itself, a universal mind. Similarly, fundamentalist religious people from other religions would have their own theories and beliefs. Belief is that the spiritual world is so interconnected, so complex, and subtle that it can easily be considered as a mind, holding all the secrets of spirituality with its misty, crystalline form.

Ref:
http://www.embracingmystery.org/articles/angels-mulian.html

D.Kay

Otherkin – Of Heaven Or Hell?

 

It has come to my attention that there are various types of otherkin out there that the
majority are still unaware of, so in this I will attempt to familiarize the SAVC with these other types of Kin. In this first article in the series we are going to look at celestial kin, much misunderstood and as with the vampire romanticized and demonized to suit the purposes of the masses and propaganda.

Not inherently good or evil they merely misunderstood due to the pantheons of religions – angels aren’t always good and demons not always evil. Angels from the celestial light bound to he service of deities and the whims of these deities,  broken ties or serving their own purposes.

Angel-kin

Angelkin Overview

Angelkin are a form of Celestial Otherkin, who were the servants of some divine or Source being at some point in time. “Angel” comes from the Greek “angelos” meaning messenger, in this case, and in most of mythology the winged messengers of the of the divine. Many people who consider themselves to be angel-kin are simply experiencing phantom wings, and are winged humanoid beings, often simply celestials, who use the term “angel” mistakenly.

• In most common belief, there are two “types” of Angelkin – “Holy” Angelkin, who serve gods and goddesses in some cases, different angels being assigned to different deities, and Fallen Angelkin, who were once in the service of a god or goddess, but fell from grace, and choose freedom of will over servitude .

Heavenly/Holy Angelkin

• Angels are considered to be divine servants of a given deity. Angels, though most often seen in the Christian and Islam paradigm, are beyond the trappings of religion as stated by St. Thomas Aquinas in Summa Theologica. Angels are seen often and depicted as Humans with large bird-like wings protruding from their back.
• The Word “Angel” translates roughly to Messenger, and this is considered one of the chief duties of Angels. Angels however are seen in literature and in multiple religions as being guides, messengers and protectors to everything from plants and animals to planets and even to concepts such as love or forces such as life and death.
• Certain Otherkin who believe themselves to be Angels have found themselves drawn to careers and hobbies that reflect what they believe they did as an Angel.

Known Abilities

• Contrary to popular belief, Angelic Otherkin bear no specific “powers” or abilities above those of anyone else. Often times Angelic Otherkin are drawn to study of fields or practices related to what they believe they were responsible for as an Angel, such as medicine or law enforcement, however there is no perfect trend to relate to this.
• So far, no Angelic Otherkin has been able to prove any ability related to elemental or animal control, though many have claimed to have some supernatural power over it.
• Noted is a higher sensitivity to natural energy fields as well as empathic capabilities in order to assist, guide and protect in order to fulfill their tasks/mission on earth.

Wings

• Angelic Otherkin most commonly believe to have one or more pairs of bright white, feathered wings. However, Holy Angelkin’s wings are not restricted to white, however many Fallen claim black wings. Many Angelic Otherkin believe themselves to have wing of many different sizes and colors, as of yet there is no strong correlation seen between the color of wings and the Angels’ believed choir, religion of origin or prescribed duty.
• In religious texts and mythology, Angels have been seen with any number of wings from two in many cases and depictions (such as the Cherubim in the Catholic tradition) to 600 pair (Jubril, whose plumage blocked out the sun in the Koran).
• Wings in all forms of Angelkin seem to not only serve the purpose of flight (although some Angelkin argue that wings actually have no influence on an Angel’s ability to fly), but also act as a shield for themselves, and even others, and can serve as a channel for their power.
• Although wings cannot always be seen, there is a phantom limb sensation coming from the shoulder blades of individuals, from a heavy weighed feeling at times, weight of the world, plight of others weighing down on you to feeling that the wings open spread wide absorbing energy from surroundings ie. Sun light, wind, rain, ambient manly nature.

Dark Angelkin

• Dark Angelkin are not a very common type of Angelkin in the Otherkin community, mainly because amongst the majority of the otherkin community, it is debated, as to whether Dark Angelkin exist or not. This is mainly because these “angels” are very mislabeled and their “job” is mistakenly labeled as a “type” instead of a “career” choice.

• “Dark” Angelkin is not the proper name for this group of Angelkin, but was given because they generally have dark or black wings, and do not follow a deity – never have, never will. Someday, when a proper name is found, it will be added. As of 2011, mostly they are referred to as Dark Angelkin.

• Dark Angelkin can best be described as mercenaries in behavior. When it comes to helping a particular side of a battle, they choose whichever side offer them personal gain in some form, in most cases. Some cases however they will help the side that they personally feel is correct in the matter, based on their own personal morals.

Known Abilities

• Contrary to popular belief, Angelic Otherkin bear no specific “powers” or abilities above those of anyone else. Often times Angelic Otherkin are drawn to study of fields or practices related to what they believe they were responsible for as an Angel, such as medicine or law enforcement, however there is no perfect trend to relate to this.
• So far, no Angelic Otherkin has been able to prove any ability related to elemental or animal control, though many have claimed to have some supernatural power over it.
• Noted is a higher sensitivity to natural energy fields as well as energy manipulation and empathic capabilities in order to assist, guide and protect in order to fulfill their tasks/mission on earth.

Wings

• Unlike what most would initially believe, Dark Angelkin don’t all have dark or black wings. Wing color has actually nothing to do with what type of Angel an individual is. Angels’ wings can be quite literally any color(s), however, the number of pairs they have seems to hint at their age, the younger Angels having most often only one pair of wings.
• Dark Angelkin wings aren’t always the feathered type, and can often by Demon-like or Dragon-like in appearance, sometimes even appearing only as skeletal wings of bone, which appears to be more common in Angels of Death.
• Wings in all forms of Angelkin seem to not only serve the purpose of flight (although some Angelkin argue that wings actually have no influence on an Angel’s ability to fly), but also act as a shield for themselves, and even others, and can serve as a channel for their power.
• Although wings cannot always be seen, there is a phantom limb sensation coming from the shoulder blades of individuals, from a heavy weighed feeling at times, weight of the world, plight of others weighing down on you to feeling that the wings open spread wide absorbing energy from surroundings ie. Sun light, wind, rain, ambient manly nature but energy from animals and humans also possible.

Misc. Traits

• Apart from the usual Angelic traits such as wings, some Dark Angelkin can be found to have separate forms then their human and Angel forms, often reflecting an animal that they are tied to, or even sometimes forms that are of creatures that are hardly human or animal, such as Dragons, Elementals, and so on.

• Some Dark Angelkin are easily confused with Demonkin, because they may have horns, a tail, or other so-called “Demonic” traits. Horns are actually not necessarily a Demonic or even Draconic trait, but serve as a medium for certain power, the material of the horns being one that best serves the type of power the individual has.

Fallen Angelkin

About Fallen Angelkin

• Fallen Angelkin are a type of Angel that is close to identical to “Holy”, or “Pure” Angelkin, which is hardly surprising because they themselves were once “Holy”.

• There have been two major falls, the first being the Luciferian Fall, the second one the Fall of the Grigori. The ones that fell during the Luciferian fall are many, in Judaeo- Christian mythology Lucifer took one third of the Legions of “Heaven”, the old Angel society with him when he fell. The second fall was smaller, two hundred Grigori (a certain class/legion of Angels) fell during the second fall.

• The main reason for the fall of the Luciferians and the Grigori was that they sought to give humans equality with their Kin. The caste-based society of what we now call “Angels” (an older, and more correct name would be Malakhim, or Shadow) frowned upon this, and rejected their brothers from society. Now, many Malakhim still feel like there should be equality between Man and Angel, yet it is an opinion rarely spoken of. The Fallen seeked to break free from the servitude and limitations placed upon them by the divine/source and sought to have free will, in equality to the humans, as angels were created first and thus deserved and earned at the very least equality to humans.

Wing Types

• Many Fallen angelkin have dark wings, such as black raven wings or dark grey ones. They don’t necessarily have to be bird-type wings, but can also be bat like or even mechanical in nature. It would be somewhat safe to say that every Malakhim’s wings are different, because in this world they also serve as a beacon, aiding them in identifying their kin.
• Note: Since in their human forms the wings are made out of energy they are often unnoticed, at least by humans and other beings whose energy and interpretation of energy function at a different frequency.
• Wings in all forms of Angelkin seem to not only serve the purpose of flight (although some Angelkin argue that wings actually have no influence on an Angel’s ability to fly), but also act as a shield for themselves, and even others, and can serve as a channel for their power.
• Although wings cannot always be seen, there is a phantom limb sensation coming from the shoulder blades of individuals, from a heavy weighed feeling at times, weight of the world, plight of others weighing down on you to feeling that the wings open spread wide absorbing energy from surroundings ie. Sun light, wind, rain, ambient manly nature but energy from animals and humans, since disconnected from source require and outside energy centre to sustain them, often bordering very closely to vampyres.

Known Abilities

• Contrary to popular belief, Angelic Otherkin bear no specific “powers” or abilities above those of anyone else. Often times Angelic Otherkin are drawn to study of fields or practices related to what they believe they were responsible for as an Angel, such as medicine or law enforcement, however there is no perfect trend to relate to this.
• So far, no Angelic Otherkin has been able to prove any ability related to elemental or animal control, though many have claimed to have some supernatural power over it.
• Noted is a higher sensitivity to natural energy fields as well as energy manipulation and empathic capabilities in order to assist, guide and protect in order to fulfill their tasks/mission on earth.

Demonkin

A common misconception of demonkin is that they all have specific gender roles, some do and some don’t. Some are gender fluid beings or neutral. They are simply big balls of energy, not male or female, in the bodies appear to be either male or female. Another common misconception is people often think that demonkins are aggressive, evil, dark, benevolent – many demonkins prefer solitary and do not want to bother with humans. Of course, it depends on what types of demons they are.

Demonic Characteristics

The psychological and spiritual characteristics of a Demonkin are what define them. Common characteristics of Demonkin include:

• Detail oriented
• Telepathy
• The utilization of Demonology
• Interest of Human behaviors and concepts
• The need for knowledge
• Tend to frighten people without reason
• Impulsive

Misanthropic behavior is the feeling of disgust and/or contempt for the Human race is common but not necessary applied to all demonkins. Some demons are simply lack of emotions toward humans. Some demons often develop a distaste for Humans after a lifetime of observation, all the while finding it intriguing. Demons in true form do not eat, sleep, ordinarily feel physical pain, or experience Love like humans do; finding these qualities of Humans interesting. From this, Demons often enjoy studying and observation, picking up on very small details. They often carry a sense of pride, honor, vanity and arrogance in themselves. Demons, with most Otherkin, tend to feel out of place with Humans. However, Demons are very capricious and moody, often experiencing intense mood swings, which further separates them from Human beings.

When in true form (without a corporal body), Demons have a very hard time communicating with worldly beings. The love for knowledge, observation, and abstract concepts the Demons have in Humans are the result of being unable to interact, and only to observe.

Like many Psi beings, Demons are generally able to utilize telepathy and will things into existence (Demonology). Since demons are supernatural beings themselves, they are able to vividly experience other supernatural phenomenon.

A demon often possess these characteristics, but the defining characteristic is the vibrations Demonkin let off. These vibrations are dark, heavy, jaded, sophisticated, and serious. The only other absolute characteristic that demons have are being dark energy beings. These vibrations are less mystic feeling than a Fae, and much more daunting. This often intimidates Humans.

As with most Otherkin, Demonkin don’t know what their purpose is. When incarnated into a human body most have lost not only their abilities, but their memory. Demonkin, or Otherkin for that reason, weren’t sent here to “kill humans” or something absurd like that, they live in peace among us and hide who they truly mostly observing the oddity that is humanity.

D.Kay

Memories

 

A face from the past,

Cuts my soul deeply like glass

 

My heart skipped a beat,

But all I could do is smile and greet

 

Friends once, lover’s a dream

Now strangers it may seem

 

Lives moving past,

Memories stuck in glass.

alive

Written – 2016

So… People say it’s good to talk about stuff so well here goes…

6 years ago today I was staying in ICU under the watchful eyes of the nurses, 24 hours. I was hooked up to monitors n beeping and a tube sticking out each arm Courtesy being woken up at 3am with the nurses drawing blood from between my toes. I insisted on going to the bathroom under my own volition, not one for urinating in a bottle much. And going to the bathroom, nurse in tow, I gazed in the mirror and looked like a extra on the Simpsons. Stitches on my wrists and on my chest. Now how did I get here you might wonder, well… 3 days prior sort of everything shifted in My little world. My wife away for the weekend with the ends to visit her mother decided that she no longer wanted to be my wife and wouldn’t be coming home again. Alone and broken I slipped off the edge and decided that since I had lost my wife, kids, home and everything else that nothing really mattered anymore. I sat quietly on my computer and typed out a 2 page note. Apologizing to my family for my weakness and attempting to reassure my children that it was not their fault and that no matter what happened i loved them and would always be with them, at least in spirit. I then printed out a page and taped it to the front door, asking that if my wife does come home to collect her stuff to not bring the kids into the house as i did not want to cause unnecessary trauma.

I then proceeded to methodically collect ever item of medication in the house. Pain meds, allergy meds, sleeping aids, pediatric meds, muscle relaxants, flu medicine, couch mixtures etc. The bottles and boxes packed out across the kitchen counter. I took a deep breath and proceed to ingest all of it. Chasing the pills down with the couch mixtures. Until every empty container filled up 2 standard plastic shopping bags. All neatly cleaned up and on the kitchen counter. I then went to the bedroom, got dressed in the best clothes i owned and got into bed. My disillusioned image that i would drift off into a deep sleep and painlessly just drift off into the void. I was sadly mistaken. I awoke several times, crawling and stumbling to bathroom and violently French kissing the toilet as my body obviously was trying to get rid of the poisons i ingested, not that it helped much. I found my way back to the bed and awoke again with the sun shining into my bedroom. Drugged out my mind and pissed off because I was still here, My mind raced thinking, ‘what now?’. Then the old fashioned messy option popped into mind. I got out of bed stumbled and crawling down the hall into the lounge. Propping myself on my couch i took my athame form its display case on the wall.

‘This will do’, i thought to myself. I found my to the bedroom. I took my clothes off, not wanting to mess up my best clothes and proceeded to the bathroom in my boxers. I lay myself down in the cold ceramic bath. Took a deep breathe. ‘3 ribs down…bout 6 cm from breast bone… Deep breathe, will be quick…’ I held the athame in both my hands took a deep breathe tried making sure my aim is true. Hands shaking…due to fear or the poisons, taking a deep breathe and closing my eyes, i thrust the dagger into hard into my chest. Think ok… Erm…i am still here i slowly opened my eyes and looked down at my chest. The dagger about 15 cm deep into my chest with the hilt sticking out. ‘Are you fucking joking me ?’, i thought to myself. Taking hold of the hilt again i tried to pushing it deeper. ‘Ok that fucking hurts… Not a good idea’. Slowly pulling the dagger from my chest watching the blood run from the wound sitting there thinking to myself, ‘now what?’ Looking at my wrists thought to myself, ‘aw well not the best option but all i have left’. Not really the sharpest knife i own, thought it be more symbolic using the athame, i proceed, very out of my head on pills, hacking at my wrists. Left one bled but not enough to my thoughts i then proceed with right side. Hacking away i hit a artery, the blood squirting from my wrist across the bath. ‘Much better’, i thought. Dropping the athame, weak and tired i closed my eyes. I lay there. Drifting into the void. My mind clear of all thoughts, all worries, all cares. Nothing. A feeling of complete nothingness. I miss that feeling to be honest.

I drifted from consciousness. I am not sure how long i lay there but a loud crash of glass filled my silent nothingness. Too weak to open my eyes for long periods i could hear some of what was happening. Voices i didn’t recognize filled the bathroom. Then my father’s voice pleading that i fight. I fought open my eyes but only managed them a fraction and saw the silhouette of what i recognized as my father. I closed my eyes again and got lost in the void. I felt hands lifting from the bath and then gone again. Back again being laid down on the lounge tiled floor. To weak to open my eyes i lay there… Hearing them, feeling the cold envelope my body. I started shivering as the cold crept into my very core. Feeling needles being stuck into my arms, bandages wrapped around my wrists. Then i was gone again.

I awoke briefly in the ambulance hearing the beep of the heart monitor and the a monotonous tone. Into the void i go standing toe to toe with lady death herself. Looking her into the eyes i say, ‘ today is a good day to die’. Death staring me in the eyes starts laughing profusely then stops abruptly and says in her every seducing voice, ‘ not today’. She shoves me back into the world i was so desperately trying to escape. I woke briefly managing to open my eyes for a second, the beeping on the monitor filling my ears, i see the face of a very relieved paramedic and then gone again. Woke laying on a metal table.

Familiar voices filling my ears. Weak. Tired. Sore. I literally use what little energy i had left to open my eyes for a moment. I glance my mother, father and grandmother weeping telling me to fight. My eyes close. I lay there naked on cold metal table. Aware but too weak to move, speak or even open my eyes. I hear the mumbled whispers of a man speaking to my family then silence. Then i feel pain. Piercing pain. As the hook like needle pierces my flesh and stitches my thread through my skin. I feel every stitch. Chest first then right wrist then left. To weak to move, to weak to speak or utter a word, to weak to open my eyes. I lay there silently enduring the pain as the coursing through me. I am alive. I awake again on the icu bed. Monitors blaring. Nurse glancing at me then at monitors and then her charts. Tubes coming out my arms. And there i lay for 4 days. Doctors telling me i am most likely to die due to liver failure since no transplant would be given to a suicide. I lay there alive. And released from hospital 4 days later. No permanent damage to liver.

My scars bare as reminder of my moment of despair. 6 yrs on and i am still wondering why i am still here as I am sure many out there so. Left alone in this world not to feel happiness or love as of yet, but still hoping. It’s been 6 yrs and facing down death that certain sides of me awakened, which I am still learning about. Still trying to grasp and understand what it means to be alive, struggling daily not to slip into that dark place once more.

Over the years many friends have come and gone. Heart has been broken a couple more times. And times came where I was hanging on by My fingernails, not to slip again. It’s been hard and tedious journey, but no one said this was going to be easy did they. Some close friends have remained reminding me that I am not alone and there is a reason to keep going forward, no matter how pointless it seems. I have seen My kids grow which I am thankful for.

So what is the point of this sad sordid story, well selfishly to get this off my chest, not for sympathy but for people out there to know and see that they are not alone and that taking the easy way out is never really the answer. At the time one may think you would be doing the world and those around you a courtesy but it’s not the case. Logically think of the butterfly effect, one small action now could have dire effects later on, your friends, family, children all effected by one selfish act. The people not yet met, meant to cross your path for a reason, now never will. Lots to think about so let this be a warning rather than a sad story. Your life matters, maybe not to you but to many people out there is does.

Looking for reasons

 

So I know I should be writing my epic novel… yes procrastination and lack of motivation, a writer whose stuff doesn’t get read is like a tree falling in a forest, does anyone care …

But I regress, I have recently been thinking , scary as that might be, about something I came across twice now. The first was, if I recollect correctly, a post somewhere on Facebook, and then again yesterday while rewatching the X-files original series, season 4, episode 5 – The field where I died.

Now the grounds of the concept is one that has be debated over time and argued repeatedly and is very controversial and the basis stands in reincarnation. We are continuously reborn into this world, life after life. Our spirit, soul, life force, energy – what ever you want to call it – returning over and over in a nearly endless cycle to be reborn onto this world to savior the experiences and to learn.

Now if you take what the Buddhists have to say on the subject, is that your rebirth and the form of your host or meat suit is dependant on your karmic balance. Cosmic capitalism at work. If your karmic credit rating is in the green, and you were a generally good person in your last life your get to come back as a human or something of high spiritual value, if you are in the red well then you would come back as a worm, rat or something to it’s equivalent or suffer very bad karmic backlash in human form, until the account is settled.

Seems rather ominous I feel, I mean who decides what’s good or bad, what’s the credit limit, what the interest rates are on the repayment. What are the T’s and C’s, and where did I sign up for that ?

I mean you paying off a debt you are not consciously aware off and well life is screwing you over … why ? I am cursed? Do I have seriously bad luck ? Was I Hitler in a past life ? Now those kinda questions have bugged majorly looking at the shit I have had to go through in my current life and seems more up hills than down hills trying to figure out, fuck I must have been a horrible person in a past life.

So this is why this concept from the X-files and from the Facebook post, both fascinated me and slightly horrified me at the same time. So we get reincarnated, cool, one life after the other, but this is where it gets interesting. Your soul ( let’s call them souls for now), is a conscience intelligent being/force. And when the currently body expires the soul ascends to a void, from this void the soul decides and plans out the next life ( freaky no ? ), with the purpose of growth, learning and ascendance to a higher state. The people that are closest to you – friends, family, lovers, ex lovers, enemies – are also intertwined into this life, in different roles but paths will cross and connections will be reestablished, regardless of the situations.

Now, think for a moment and take a third person perspective of your life up to this point. All the trails and tribulations. All the heart break and pain. All hardships and joys. Every single experience you have had up to this second, up to you reading this – was all mapped and planned out by yourself, your soul, in order to learn and grow into something better. Lets just let that soak in for just a moment and look back onto your life again.
We might not fully comprehend the big picture and maybe we are not supposed to, but according to this theory, there is one. So every life, every experience ( no matter if it hurts like a son of a bitch, or bursting with joy and pride ), every single thing is done with a specific purpose and point, leading to the end result. So nothing is pointless or meaningless or useless.

Think of it as a huge RPG game. Your higher self the player, plotting out his’s/her’s character traits, skills, background etc. and sending them out into the vast open world. The battles you win or loose, the monsters you slay the injuries you get, the skills you learn along your way in the adventure all designed, controlled and calculated by the player to up your XP and get you to the end of the game. Each character with their own preset missions and goals to get them there.

It is somewhat reassuring and scary at the same time, the whole concept of fate and destiny, all layed out by your higher self and the universe to achieve a specific goal. And in some cases it would seem that your higher self is rather masochistic looking at everything that has happened up to this point, but guess what? You are here and gotten through it all… Maybe they know something we don’t huh, maybe just maybe next time you sitting alone in the dark and thinking all this is pointless and why me… a lil flicker will pop up and well everything although dark and bleak, and hurting so much, maybe for a moment it wont seem so … pointless.

All assuming that this theory is sorta valid, and that your higher self is good at planning shit, and assuming the die aren’t loaded and the universe actually doesn’t want to screw us all and actually gives a rat’s ass about what happens to us all… all this right here, right now … all has a reason to it.

I thought it was a interesting theory and figured I might share my perspective with you, the reader… rather pointless I know but hey, maybe this was part of the plan , lol
Hope you enjoyed this piece and maybe for a moment helped you think and put things into a lil perspective.

You have meaning, this life has a reason…

There is reason to the madness, the chaos, the pain, the joy.
You have a reason.

Never doubt yourself

D. Kay

*pardon any spelling or grammar errors – brain fart and wrote in in like a hour while doing work in between so *

Fate whispers

 

Fate whispers to the warrior, “You cannot withstand the storm.”

The battle weary warrior glances up at Fate, forcing his eyes to open. Weary and wounded he reaches blindly to his side until his hand wraps around the hilt of a sword. He drags the sword to his side and uses it as a crutch, forcing him to stand. His blood running down his arm, onto his makeshift crutch he staggers towards Fate, until he is standing before her, face to face.

Fate whispers to the warrior, “You cannot withstand the storm.”, her arm outstretched towards the horizon. The weary warrior glances over her shoulder. On the horizon he sees dark ominous clouds rolling in, and lighting dances across them. He returns his gaze to her’s and replies, “ Don’t make promises you don’t intend on keeping”.

He pushes past her, stagger across the blood soaked battle field to a tree stump, and before he sits upon it looks over the field where he lay. He sees that expect for Fate standing there in a mist like form, her gaze fixed upon him, that he is alone. All those who once stood by his side had abandoned him and left him for dead. He sneers and says to himself, “ I stand along, nothing new…” . He sits himself down upon the stump. Taking the sword and plunging it into the cold earth before him. Gripping it tightly with both hands to keep himself from collapsing.

The warrior sits on the stump, facing the storm as it rushes towards him. The winds picking up in pace and veracity and Fate once again whispers to the warrior, “You will not withstand the storm.”, as the wind blows ever stronger. She evaporates like morning mist and sighs.

Then there is silence, except for the howling of the wind. Suddenly thunderous explosion shatters the silence, and the storm in now engulfing the warrior. Just before the warrior vanishes out of sight, he shouts out laughing, “ Bring it…”

Many hours pass and the storm eventually dissipates is its veracity. The winds die down, and the blood soaked earth washed clean. And all that remain is a sword plunged into the cold soil in front of a tree stump, soaked in blood.

~ D. Kay

The Need

Micheal was standing across the street from the Diner where Monique was working. Hidden just out of sight in the shadows in the alley, he stood there staring at her through the window. A crisp breeze blew as he stuck one hand deeper into his coat pocket as the other held his cigarette firmly. He stood there, watching her as he had done so many nights before, from the shadows, in the dark. Cigarette pressed between his cold lips inhaling sharply, a subtle reminder of a life he had once known. An elderly woman passed him as he stood there, ‘Young man those will be the death of you,’ she scolded, as she walked on her way. A wicked smirk crossed his face. As he watched her walk away, he thought to himself, ’If only it would, if only it were that easy’. He brushed the thought away into the recesses of his mind, his attention focused on her once more. The fiery raven-haired waitress with the emerald eyes that somehow reminded him what it was to be alive. He had never stayed in one place to long, so as not to arouse suspicions. He had long since out stayed his welcome in this small town, but he could not leave just yet.

She had penetrated the crevasses of his mind and decided to move in. She filled his every waking thought, and he hungered for her. Being what he was, he had not been effected at this an emotional level for a long time, and he was perplexed but how and why she effected him so. He had been watching her from the shadows, ever since their chance encounter, by chance or perhaps by fate, two weeks ago. Their eyes met but for a moment, but in that moment it felt like an eternity. His senses immersed by her, her scent, her soft voice as she mumbled apologies for walking into him. Her warm skin beneath his frigid fingertips, as he reluctantly helped her up. Her flushed red cheeks and the beat of her heart ever quickening, embarrassed by her clumsiness. In that moment, she was an insect to him, but as they parted, he felt compelled to look back, and in that moment, their eyes met, she had him hooked.

Monique had recently moved to this small town, to run away from her past. A new beginning where no one would know her, or judge her for her attraction to dark. She lived alone had no friends other than the people she worked with. She preferred it that way and yet she felt alone, lost and empty, until that night. On her way home from a hard day at work, lost in her thoughts, she walked into this dark stranger in his trench coat, and got knocked off her feet. Embarrassed by her clumsiness she looked up at him, and got lost in his cold dark eyes. She felt her cheeks start to glow as her heart raced, her mind filled with illicit thoughts of him. There was a hunger in them, a need and yet a warmth. She got lost in them as she reached up to him and he helped her to her feet. He glared at her and kept on walking as she stood there looking at him walk away. ‘Please look back, look back…’, she said to herself, needing him to glance back. Elated that he did, her thoughts and dreams filled by him. She caught herself on more than one occasion feeling that he was watching her, but brushed it off to her imagination. But oh, how she longed to be rescued from her mundane existence. Even to such an extent that she had left her bedroom window open, in a hopes he would come to take her away.

Tonight would be the night, he thought to himself as he peered at her from a distance. He had studied his prey, like a meticulous predator for the past week, after failing to expel her from his mind. He knew her routine; her shift would be ending soon. She would finishing up soon and walk down to 10th avenue, six blocks away. To her two bedroom apartment on the third floor where she lived, alone. That is where he will silence the primal need infecting his being, his need for her.

As she left, she glanced across the street to where he was standing, as if by some 6th sense, sensing she was being watched. As she peered across the street into the shadows, she saw that there was no one there and let out a sigh of dismay. Suddenly goose bumps danced across her skin, she pulled her jacket tightly around her and walked into the breeze. On her way home, thoughts of the stranger, she had bumped a couple weeks ago were still fresh in her mind. The look in his eyes, his smell, and his frigid touch all still vivid in her mind.

Moving swiftly, as if made of the shadows themselves, Micheal was waiting for her. At her apartment, she had left her bedroom window open by accident, he grinned at the thought, how convenient this was. He waited quietly seated in the darkness of the living room. He listened to her walking up the stairs, as the fumbled with her keys and opened the door. Walking inside, deep in thought she double bolted the door behind her. As she reached for the door chain, he pounced, standing behind her, his breath in the nape of her neck. He reached out his hand cupping hers guiding the door chain into its place. Gasping at his touch, adrenaline coursing through her veins, she recognized his cold touch upon her skin.

There he was. There was no escape for her. He was binding her, his one hand on hers and the other firmly holding her hip. His dominant, firm, sleek, body pressed against her, holding her in place. He placed a sensually calming kiss in the nape of her neck, deeply inhaling her scent. He spun her around so that she faced him, her back pressed firmly against the door. Their eyes met, fear danced across her face but at the same time a longing. His sinister eyes glaring back at her, filled with an insatiable hunger. ‘How did you …’, escaped her mouth with a shivering exhale. Her voice was failing her as she looked into his eyes, and inside her, she felt the same sinister insatiable hunger stir. Those same eyes that had been filling her dreams every night since they met.

He peered into her eyes and his fangs extended as he let out a soft growl. ‘Little Monique, you have been haunting My thoughts, and now I am going to make you Mine’. With those words, he leaned forward and passionately kissed her. She attempted to resist but it vain. She was engulfed by his kiss, as his tongue penetrated her mouth, and danced within. It intoxicated her as her tongue met his and together their tongue danced to their own nefarious lustful tune.

Masterfully while intertwined in their kiss, his hands made short work of disrobing. Entranced by his unmerciful embrace. His cold lips upon hers, his lithe tongue exploring the crevices of her mouth. She did not even notice that she was now standing before him in nothing more than her underwear.

It was only after he pulled her firmly against him, she felt the evidence of his arousal prod her silky naked thigh. Gasping at his touch her skin became flushed like warm honey. His hands exploring her soft, curving flesh until they reached her beautifully formed voluptuous breasts. He gently cupped … squeezed and massaged them, still bound within her bra. She gasped for air, his lips still locked upon hers. Her damp, moist needy place awakening. Dampness between her legs spreading to her thong.

His nostril filled by the scent of her dampness, his ache intensified, as he freed her plump breasts from their confines. Her delectable erect nipples catching his attention. His lips now releasing her for the first time as she leaned forward in an attempt for more. Intoxicated by his kiss she pushed her hip forward into his engorged erection. He glanced up at her with a smirk as he captured her nipples between his lips.

Pinching the hard aching peaks with his fangs as him cupped her buttocks. He gently bites her breast; allow a thin trickle of blood to cascade down her brazenly exposed breast. Ravenously his lithe tongue glided over her flesh to meet the warm crimson fluid. A pink flush of arousal engulfed her body as she gasped with the brazen assault yet at the same time filled with a voracious yearning. Her breathing now quick and shallow. She moved his leg between her thighs, her delicate softness pressing hard against his thigh, dampening his pants.

The scent of moistness between her legs filled the room. It intoxicated him, her fearless brazen want towards him. He was not accustomed to it; fear is all he was ever met with. However, she was different. He let out another growl and pushed her legs apart. Pulling back her thong exposing her damp private satin flesh, while he continued to gently suckle her peaked rosebuds. Allowing his hands the space to slip between her thighs and explore her damp petal-soft folds of her womanhood.

She moaned soft arching her back and pushing herself towards him wanting more. His fingers exploring her womanly secrets, teasing her throbbing most sensitive spot. He could feel her dampen even more. Wanting him inside her, aching need and want flooding the air around them. She let out a gasping moan his teasing increasing her need and want she moaned softly,’ Please…’. Stroking his swollen manhood through his damp pants, tugging at it in an attempt to release it.

Looking up at her, he peered deeply into her eyes. He saw her yearning reflected back at him as she reached down and stroked his cock, hard and rigid in his pants. She looked into his eyes with longing, biting her lip as she fondled with his pants, their eyes never shifting from each other. He let out a low animalistic growl, grabbed a fist full of her hair, and kissed her hard, deep and passionately. Plunging his tongue deep into her mouth, his fangs piercing her bottom lip, letting out a trickle of blood.

The taste of blood upon her lips made him kiss her harder with more primal force, and she answered it with her own primal need. He loosened his pants, letting them fall to his feet allowing his throbbing manhood to escape. Grabbing her tightly by her firm buttocks, he slid his throbbing shaft between the damp petals of her womanhood. His lips moved from hers, down her neck leaving a trail of soft kisses back onto her heaving breasts. He sunk his fangs into her soft flesh and licked the blood with vigor and a ravenous hunger.

Her breath quickening, his teasing increasing her need and want she moaned softly,’ Please…’. He looked up at her, their eyes locked and with a smirk he replied,’ Please what lil girl’. With that, he continued nibbling on her quivering tips, moving between the two. Pushing her hips towards him she let out a moan once more with an deep yearning filling her voice,’ pleeeease…’. Looking up again from her flushed breast, blood trickling from his lips. He slipped his hand around her neck squeezing gently, as he peered deep into her emerald eyes. ‘Please what lil girl ?’, he growled once more as his grip tightened around her throat, his nails digging into her soft pale flesh.

Gasping for air, her heart racing and her gaze locked onto his,’ make me yours…, I want to be yours’. Micheal smirks and growls, barring his fangs he picks her up by her neck and effortlessly lays her on the bed. Grabbing her ankles and spreading her legs wide-open, moist entrance to her femininity exposed. His eyes fixed on hers, he impale her with his burgeoning erection. Hard and deep into her passion-moistened depths, and lets out a growl,’ MINE’. He plunges hard and deep into moist heart of her as lets out ragged gasp with pleasure. Just as she imagined, as it was like in her dreams. Lunging harder with decadent need, Michael growls loudly. He can feel her muscles tense, building up to her blinding, pulsing moment of release. ‘She is close, she will climax for Me soon’ he thought to himself. ‘Not just yet lil Monique, he growled. With that, he flips her onto her belly taking her from behind. Grabbing a fist full of raven hair pulling her up towards him, arching her back to penetrate her that little bit deeper.

Moaning softly, a desperate rhythm to her breathing. She can feel his cold swollen flesh deep inside her, her ache and longing, satisfied. Feeling her self about to explode into a thousand pieces, her tight, wet womanhood clenching around his rigid shaft as he plunges deep into her. She can no longer fight it. She surrenders to a frenzied explosion of exquisite sensation. She cries out with unabashed abandon as wave after wave of rapture overtake her. Her portals womanhood clenching hard around his throbbing swollen manhood. Deep inside her, stretching walls of her body, she screams with final shattering release.

He pulls her up towards him, his hand clenched around her neck. His pleasure building into fiery culmination. He thrusts one last time, flooding himself into her. He growls into her ear ’Mine’ and plunges his fangs into her neck drinking deeply of her, enjoying the sweet taste of her ecstasy.

The choice

On a secluded hilltop in the dead of night, a small fire is raging. A silhouette of a man sitting next to the fire is seen in the cascading light of the flames. He sit in front of the fire, eyes closed, mumbling words that make no sense.

In the distance, as if from nowhere, dark clouds come rolling in towards the hilltop. As the clouds, cover the starry skies above the hilltop with darkness. The man stops his chanting, and sits quietly, eyes closed, as if waiting for something. He sits in silence, the light of the fire cascading of his face, as the dark clouds build up overhead.

Suddenly in a blaze of light and sound, an explosion shatters the silence as lighting and thunder meet with the fire in a display of light, magic, and power.

The man unshaken slowly opens his eyes, and looks to where the fire had been. Now a dancing cascade of brilliant light. He grins to himself, although his eyes are filled with pain and sorrow as he gazes into the light.

A voice suddenly resonates from within the light, that of a soothing woman, a voice filled with understanding and love. ‘I know why you have invoked me, Micheal. Yes, I know your name, I know why u have called upon me, I have seen your pain and I can assist. But I has consequences, are you prepared to accept these?’

Micheal looks into the light first shocked at the fact that it know his name, then a stern look comes over his face. ‘If u have truly seen my pain, my broken heart, then u know that whatever the consequences, I accept them gladly, just do what needs to be done and take my pain away, as I fear it may kill me…’

‘Micheal, all I need to for you to ask and it will be done. However, in order to take away the bad, the good will be taken as well. You cannot have the one without the other. I will take away your pain, but in doing that all the joy and happiness will be taken as well. Your heart will become cold and hard as the stone, are u willing to accept that?’

‘I need to not feel this, it that is what it takes then so be it’, Micheal says with a stern voice as he stand up and gazes at the light before him. ‘ So mote it be’ the voice from the light resonates within his soul and then as suddenly as it appeared it was gone. He stood there standing upon the hilltop, smoldering fire before him, under the starry sky, and felt nothing. Nothing but a cold emptiness now filling his once shattered heart.

Years had passed since that faithful night, and Micheal became a success. No fear, no regret, no pain were his traits now. However, within his soul there was a yearning, a emptiness, with all he had achieved the void could not be filled.

Until one day there was a stirring within him, a small spark deep within his stone cold heart. He looked upon this vision of beauty, this rose and felt something. It was difficult for him to understand as the had not felt anything in such a long time, but now, something so simple and beautiful, so pure had made his stone heart fill with pure joy and love. As the stone heart began to beat once more, the woman’s voice filled his head; ’You have found that which has been put here to complete you. Hold onto her, for without her you are merely a shell. Your heart had been closed to the world not by my doing, but by your own choice. Now by the woman who has taken your breath away, you are no complete, whole, free. Cherish it, as it is fragile. You have always had the power. I merely watch and guide. The rest is up to you.’

D.Kay