10 Years ago My ex walked out on me, I lost my marriage, my home, my kids, my job and I felt like I had nothing left. I tried to kill myself and survived, much to the surprise to myself and the ICU doctors at the time. A cosmic mistake perhaps, I am not quite sure to be honest.
Now 10 years later I am living with my parents, semi stable situation, no social life though , been single for the better part of this time with sporadic online connections, virtual affairs in a attempt to connect with someone out there, feel human love and affection which I believed and still do I am not truly worthy of, obviously they did not last or work out. Over the years I have had virtual acquaintances, friends and connect with them to a certain degree but only so much one can do over a electronic screen and so much support one can give. I attempted several times to connect with “real” people, sadly it seems my social skills or lack there of caused me to be alone and solitary. Sadly this has not aided much with my emotional and physiological state suffering from depression and suicidal tendencies. I have my children, the “second” chance granted me the opportunity to see them grow up, to become the people they are today and I am very proud of them. I did unfortunately not spend a lot of time with them over the years due to situation and such and I am not the father I had hoped I would be one day, but I love them and I am so very proud of them, and sorry that they ended up with me a father. Granted I became complacent on the situation relying on my family maybe too much to the point of being a burden…but when you have nothing and no one else, well … Although some friction and conflict – they are family and thus you feel somewhat wanted and needed. It was not ideal but it was surviving. It was not happy but adequate.
So now another series of unfortunate events and I am standing on the cusp of losing everything once again – with the whole Covid19 fuck up, money, housing etc my family are preparing to go on a to each their own mission. Which in all fairness one cannot blame them as they need to take care of themselves first, but that leaves me staring into the void. Due to reasons – money, drive, will whatever – I don’t drive and don’t have a car – so have been replying on my family for transport. My job is not greatest paying but it pays and minimal rent with family I have been able to like I said get by, but that all is going to change. Once the “to each their own” mission has been initiated I am without a home, without a means to get to work and with no one and nothing to aid in supporting (emotionally, physically etc) me. Unlikely to see my kids or family again. So I am staring into the abyss of uncertainty, my fractured psyche again leads me to down a dark path …
Looking back on my life and where I stand now I have come to realize that most of the time it’s not a sudden jolt or event that breaks you, no … its small gradual fractures over time. Sometimes they are too small to even notice immediately but as time progresses and more and more little fractures start occurring weakening the whole, it just starts falling apart and breaking beyond the point of repair. Yes you can attempt to glue the pieces back together, hopefully still being able to use it adequately but eventually with more and more little fractures still occurring its going become repairable and unusable with no real function or purpose and of no use to no one. And at that point one would throw away the broken thing and forget about it. I feel I am at this point.
I am forever grateful and thankful to my family for all they have done for me. I love them deeply and I am proud of what my children have become despite me. I am thankful for those virtual acquaintances that have stood by me regardless of how damaged I am. On this cusp where I stand is not of their doing and none are to blame but myself.
To those whom I have disappointed and hurt through a lifetime of stumbling in the dark trying to find a way to forge ahead – I am truly sorry, it was never intentional.
With all likely outcomes, paths, threads converging onto a single point it is every difficult to ignore the obvious. There can only truly be one possible outcome and conclusion to this. This is the current conflict I am experiencing internally. My fractured psyche pointing out the logical situation, the only true logical path left for me, while my heart is tugging me in the opposite direction of hope, love and faith. Things I have not truly had or experienced in the past 10 years save for that of my family and kids and looking at the failure and burden I am would it REALLY be to their benefit if I heeded my heart ?
I am staring into the abyss and the void calling me to it. I have nothing, I am nothing. I have no one, I am no one. So why persist in fighting against it ?
RMJ Creations 