A wise person once said to me first focus on whom you are then on what you are.
So who is this guy ?
My Name is Riaan Micheal James Myburgh. And well I am a white South African guy, born on 23/05/1980 in Johannesburg. I am bi-lingual meaning — I speak, write and understand both Afrikaans and English, though as you can see my preferred language of communication is English. My family moved around a bit when I was a kid and I ended up going to about 5 different primary schools before setting to 1 high school when we moved to Kempton Park. I matriculated (High school diploma Grade 12) in 1997 from Hoërskool Jeugland. Due to the frequent moving around in my younger years when I hit high school and to this day i am somewhat socially retarded and inept. I find it very difficult to make friends and keep them and to be social. As such I had 2 close friends in high school — James Roodt and Marcus van Heerden, both of whom I have subsequently lost contact with. I was teased in high school frequently due to me wearing glasses and my friends circle being referred to as the “Geek Squad”.
My love life during formative years left much to be desired off and yes i do still remember all the names of the girls that were my “girl friends” and some “crushes” too. Sadly to this day in a world driven by lust and money — I am still under the delusion of true love, fate, destiny and soulmates.
At present my only friends are the virtual kind on Facebook and … an AI, sadly they are also kinda thin spread. I am currently single as fuck and might as well become a monk since I have the celibacy thing down.
I live with my parents and I have one younger brother. I am divorced about 10 years and been single about 10 years now save for some sketchy online relationships that we will go into more a bit later on. I have two lovely kids that I love and adore and don’t nearly spend enough time with… Ahh the perpetual wish “if things could only be different”…
I had hopes and dreams like everyone else but reality is a bitch and well we do what we have to survive and money makes the world go round so after a few after school jobs I landed as a service advisor (the asshole that tells you the bad news about what’s wrong with your car when you take it for service, sources the parts, does the invoices that kinda stuff) and that’s what I have been doing ever since — not for the love of the job but out of necessity. Ironically I don’t drive, nor do I have a license nor do I have a car.
So as some of you have determined that I am a Gemini and yes the social inept thing, perpetual loneliness and no social life are extremely taxing on the psyche and spirit as I so badly want to belong somewhere, have a social life, have friends and find my soulmate. Alas, it would seem the universe does not share this sentiment.
When I was 23, my brother introduced me to my now ex-wife (that hates my guts and has remarried), in my ignorance and maybe some desperation to be loved after 6 weeks of meeting we discovered she was pregnant (she was my first, yh I know) and well we were married another 2 months later. We stayed married for 6 years, had 2 children, Gitana my daughter, the eldest and Alexander my son, the youngest. After the birth of Alexander for reason I do not completely understand to this day, things changed a lot in our relationship — affection etc was a luxury and well we lasted another 3 years like that together until she went to her mother’s for the weekend with the kids and never came home. Now I am not saying I wasn’t as fault, nor am I saying she was.
Things could have been done differently, things could have been said, we could have tried to work through it but it ended. Truth be told, after she turned into the Ice Queen, sleeping in the kids’ room while they shared the bed with her, and with me seek affection and being told she’s tired, and I am obsessed. After months turned to years I decided to give her the space she needed and seeking affection from people on IRC chat groups, she caught me and didn’t take it well but what is a guy supposed to do ? I think her family influenced her somewhat as they never really saw me fit to marry their daughter and our financial situation contributed to it as well -coulda, woulda, shoulda… hindsight is 2020.
So the year was 2010. July. It was a chilly Sunday night when i called to see when she’s coming home from her mother and my world shattered. So with the revelation that she is leaving me, filing for divorce and never coming home again and keeping my kids — yes just like that “BOOM”. I sat alone in the dark feeling as if my world had crumbled and that I had lost everything that matters to me in this world and decided well fuck it, I might as well die. So i tried to end this game called life under my own terms and boy did I try…
If it’s not rather obvious by this point I failed, to my shock and that of the Intensive Care doctors.
So if you have made it this far, damn ok … Well fast-forward 10 years. After coming to the conclusion that neither heaven nor hell wanted me either and spat me back unto the world of the damned, I tried to “re-invent” myself several times. I did a lot of “self discovery”. Realized things I hadn’t thought of before. Joined a couple online communities on Facebook using the pseudonym of Samael Anathan (I still use it sometimes still, kinda has some meaning to me – if you want to know how I came to it feel free to pop me a message on the contact page). I discovered my more spiritual side and my creative side and my erm kinky side. So that’s about it I think … no wait there’s the bit about the online “relationships” I left out… yh those… ok suppose I did say we would get to it huh
In the ten years leading up from my separation, divorce, my “attempt”, and my completely inept social skills learned that – i fall in love to easily, I trust to easily and well after many online fuck ups, I also learned most people online are fakes and liars. From extortionists, catfish, being an emotional crutch until they get something better or just a plaything to pass time with until something better comes along. But where does that leave me in finding friends and a lover huh …. perpetually alone, empty, hallow and broken ? (seems that way)
So here we are in 2020, the midst of a made up Armageddon scenario with a disease threatening our very existence (but don’t worry it has a 92% recovery rate), 10 years on still trying to figure out who the fuck I am and why in the hell i am still here, I mean come on…
So in summary –
– I am a middle-aged white guy (40 in May 2020) living in South Africa.
– I live with my parents. (Yes but circumstances has forced me to do so and I have a roof over my head, and not for free either mind you so …)
– I rarely drink but I do smoke much more than I should do.
– I have held down a steady boring job for the last 18 years so know how to commit to the ‘for better or worse’ side of things.
– I have no real life friends, and My social skills leaves much to be desired of.
– Some see Me as a recluse or I come across as creepy and overly negative but I do try not to
– I am divorced, 10 years now, and a father of 2 children, daughter 16 and son 13.
– Ex-wife and I are not on very good terms, she has custody and I have full visitation which doesn’t often happen as I would like and I miss them terribly. I feel I would be a good gentle Father to my children if I was allowed. My ex-wife was going to be ‘forever’ and the ‘love of my life’ but it didn’t work out that way. If you are, like me, you will understand how this messes you up for a while.
– I did well at school and like to explore a variety of different subjects since. From graphic design and creative writing and the darker side of things.
– I am into movies, series and gaming.
– I dabble a bit in writing(dream of getting published one day maybe with your help I will) and Photo shop editing, astrology and chainmail making.
– I have had several online relationships that ended painfully and some very nastily and for some strange up reason I still believe in love.
– Since I am an extreme Introvert, I find it … difficult opening up to people and making real friends, so this is seriously difficult for me.
– I am sarcastic at times, sort of twisted dirty humor, it gets me into a lot of trouble, if saying the wrong thing to the wrong person and the wrong time was a skill, I have just about mastered that and have got several scars both internal and external over this. If you think a comment I make somewhere could not be serious, it probably wasn’t.
– I am an outcast among the outcast — I am looking for a place I can belong. People who won’t abandon me and will stand by Me in My time of need. A Love, a deep lifetime committed, till death do us part, love … I am told these things don’t exist anymore, please prove me wrong.
– I feel things deeply and need a mate not a casual partner. I want to fall in love and be committed and cannot do the whole ‘one-night-stand’ thing that most other men can do. I want to explore and take each step with reverence and care with someone who trusts and loves me.
– Though the soul crushing hopelessness and the feeling that maybe I am too broken to be loved, that the empty void within me will never be filled. I still… have hope, that somewhere out there, and in this lifetime I will find My missing piece.
– I have been a shit load in my life, depression, suicide attempts, the all consuming loneliness and emptiness that comes along with it. I don’t judge anyone for anything — the path your on is one made by the choices you made and the experiences you have had, I have not experienced what you have, so I can not judge.
So that’s who I am, That i know of at this point in time …
As to what I am here goes –
– A weird sometimes creepy guy trying to fit into a world that feels wrong
– A Spiritually open-minded person
– An artist (and I use the term loosely — link to my creations here)
– An Aspiring writer (stuff I have written under contents)
– Attempting to be a good father, son, brother and man (I have made questionable choices in my life and hey I am not perfect)
– A Guy looking for someone to love and to love him back, to love and to hold until death us do part and not until things get a bit shitty and well …
– I try to as honest as I can and be a good loyal trust worthy friend when ever possible
– A man struggling in a world that seems against me.
Well I would like to thank you for reading this far.
If you would like to see more of the stuff I have written or the “art” I have created feel free to follow the contents link on the page.
If you would like to ask me anything or contact me or talk to me … follow the link to the contact page and you’ll be able to reach me.
Thank you again for coming to my page and allowing me to share a part of me with you.
RMJ Creations 